Remembrance Day

I know I mark Remembrance Day every year and thank our veterans for their great sacrifices on our behalf. But this year is different. Having just returned from Europe where I was in Germany and visited Nuremburg as well as Flossenburg Concentration Camp...let's just say I have even more gratitude for what those men and women did in WWII than before.

And as always, this is for my father.

Packing Help from the Domly Side

So how many Doms does it take to get one submissive packed and ready to leave on a trip? Two apparently, if she seems to have lost the ability to figure out what to take for a three week trip - not exactly rocket science.

Thank goodness for Sir. He's been so encouraging and attentive [I had a migraine take me out of commission for a couple of days on top of everything else] that I have to pinch myself sometimes to be sure I'm not dreaming, it's that good with him. *Gushing & Blushing*

Lucky me, I still have my mentor Lev, in my life too - only he's not quite so indulgent with me and frankly I need that kind of, "Snap out of it." [name the movie] every so often. That or a spanking. *sighs*


So - Paris to Vienna. I am determined to see all of Paris in the three days we have...I'm kidding! I don't do that. Anymore.

I'll take lots of pictures [ok Mimi?] and I hope to be able to post along the way, but I make no promises.

See you next month. Do everything I want to do!

The Purple Ribbon Campaign

When the news broke that Patrick Swayze had lost his battle with Pancreatic Cancer, I went to tell Allan. He wasn't surprised I was upset but when I broke down and began sobbing, that shocked him and he asked me why I was taking his death so hard. I think I had been secretly harbouring a hope that because he had lasted longer than the average patient with Pancreatic Cancer, he was going to beat it...somehow. I was sorely disappointed and reminded yet again how deadly this cancer is.



These grim statistics are taken from the PanCan web site;

1.Pancreatic Cancer is the 4th leading cause of cancer death
2.The 99% mortality rate is the highest of any cancer
3.Average life expectancy is 3-6 months
4.Early detection is the only hope and at present there is not a tool for early detection
5.Woeful lack of adequate research funding



My younger brother would still only be 50 this year had Pancreatic Cancer not devoured him in six agonizing weeks fourteen years ago. My father didn't make it to his 64th birthday when the same horrible cancer killed him twenty four years ago. I also had a first cousin who passed away within the past couple of years from Pancreatic Cancer. So you see, I have very personal reasons for taking up the cause.


This is Breast Cancer Month, although I am pestered all year long with pink related appeals from all sides...it even occurred on one of the cruises we took. A walk/run had been organized to benefit breast cancer research and donation forms were placed in each cabin. I was not happy. The commercialization and *pinkwashing* of a serious disease is really a separate issue deserving of it's own post. My concern has to do with the funds being sucked up into the breast cancer juggernaut while other cancer research languishes like poor relations hoping for an invitation to the table.





Here's some information that you might find enlightening as it pertains only to women and cancer.


I'm linking to some other sites you can look at and decide for yourselves about how research is funded.



There is this

And this

And this just in.


That being said, I'm posting a link to the 2009-5K Your Way to Conquer Cancer. The link will take you to the Pancreatic Cancer Canada Team page and if you wish to make a donation the easy peasy instructions are there for you. I would be doing the 5k...walking, not running thank you very much, but for the fact that I will be somewhere on a river in Germany when it takes place. And you are my heroes, seriously. Thank you, thank you, thank you! From the bottom of my heart.

Erotic Kiss

for my Sir who tantalizes and entices me.







Antagonizing pleasure
Placed upon my lips
Where dreams come true
In just one kiss!

Sharing an afternoon of ecstasy
Closing the door on reality
Not even the thickest iceberg
Could melt the lust I feel inside!

I shed my fears faster than my clothes
The anticipation begins to unfold
My heart begins to pound faster
As you come closer

Just one look from your eyes
And I become hypnotized
A river of sins, to which I concede
Just one kiss, caused the undoing of me!

Your lips gently pressed against mine
A silent submission of tongues intertwined
My mouth tenderly pressed against yours
My voice trembles as you start to explore

Electric shocks as your tongue touches mine
An erotic dance of passing time
My heart's racing as fast as yours
My body's craving for something more!

Starving and Craving
For an evening
Of erotic bliss
Where dreams come true
In Just One Kiss.

Author: Unknown

Happy New Year 5770

I wish all of you a happy, healthy new year

filled with peace and prosperity

An Introduction

It was just a simple message which appeared one day in my FetLife inbox. I easily could have ignored it - in fact I did for several days. But I was charmed and after checking out the sender's profile, sent an equally brief reply figuring that would most likely be the last I would hear from that 'Lifer. Instead I was very pleasantly surprised to find myself in a delicious flirtation. And it was FUN! I was logging onto Fet with the hope of discovering one of his messages. I knew I would laugh, blush and shake my head as I flirted back...how long had it been since I had done that? I just knew it felt good to be flattered and sought out even if he was doing the same thing with a dozen other women, because at that point I had no way of knowing who or what he was about and frankly, I didn't particularly care.


"I was wondering if you'd care to dance with a man 15 years your junior."


That's when I started to care! For some reason I hadn't seen that coming and was taken completely off guard. Our conversations became more real and less flirtatious as we began the 'Getting to Know You' dance. The very first thing I did was stress that whatever relationship we developed, it could only be in cyberspace. I am not available for a RealTime Relationship.

"I can't 'dance' in real time...only in cyber space."

I practically beat the poor guy over the head with it as I stressed the fact over and over again. I just wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page this time. I was reassured to learn;

"There is no real time for me, as well."

Was it an omen that he was 42, the same age Allan was when we married? The age I've always found men to be at their sexiest and most attractive.

The End

My relationship with Sir continued to be stressful. I was no longer eagerly anticipating his emails containing instructions for a new task, in fact I was beginning to dread opening them. He seemed to be deliberately ignoring my domestic situation and attempting to claim more and more of my time with assignments that were, well...time consuming! I was making myself sick trying to complete them on time and not get caught by my husband.

While I enjoyed the benefits of cumming on command and hypno bondage, I didn't share his passion for hypnosis. He had literally dozens of scenarios in his mind but I was beginning to find a steady diet of erotic hypnosis, boring.

Despite my misgivings, Sir told me that he was happy with my progress as a sub and was becoming 'quite fond of me.' Unfortunately, while IM'ing with him on Skype one night, [we couldn't talk because Allan was up and about] I stuck my foot in my mouth by making what I thought was a lighthearted, bantering comment to something he said. I guess I don't have to tell you he wasn't happy with me - only I couldn't 'read' him via print and didn't stop but just kept digging myself in deeper until he totally lost it. In my defence I should say that only took one sentence. I apologized immediately, wrote him an email before I went to bed apologizing more fully, and then again the next day wrote to him again with another apology, I received this 'don't worry about it, it's my fault.' sort of email, listing what he wasn't getting from the relationship [sex] and how I had better be able to talk [out loud!] next time we scheduled a Skype session. I had been very sure of my commitment before that happened, but since that hadn't been the first incident of him losing his temper out of preportion to the offence and getting progressively angrier as he typed...I decided I'd had enough.

In what I thought was a totally back assward idea, Sir - after he cooled off and decided what he wanted to do, decided to step back and now have a probationary period.

"You are not fully trained and I should not have been so quick to be so familiar with you."

None of it really mattered at that point. I had disengaged emotionally. I was done. I'm sure he was right in his assessment of the situation and the solution - more service oriented tasks, but there were too many troublesome aspects of the relationship which I couldn't ignore. I felt as though I was being bullied and I hadn't signed up for that.

My first D/s relationship was over at the end of May.

Life - Updates

Mark and Leah have booked their wedding at the midtown hotel. It has a kosher kitchen and a reputation for turning out superb food so Allan and I are pleased. The kids lost their first choice of the August long weekend next year after they dithered around so long that another couple swooped in and booked the room. They are now getting married on 10/10/10 - I think it's a pretty cool date.


Leah has bought her wedding gown already...no, I haven't seen it, but it's on order and the store won't bring it in for another six months. She's very decisive. Once she knows what she wants, goes after it and when she finds it, buys it. She told me she won't make herself crazy looking at any other gowns now and of course she's right, what would be the point in second guessing herself?


Laura and Leah signed up to go to fitness classes together, and after eight weeks Laura has lost 131/2 inches and dropped three dress sizes! The girls - once they got over their initial shock and pain of unaccustomed exercise - enjoyed the workouts so much they added a weekly Pilates class to their routine. The first couple of classes were brutal - Laura told me that Leah has a far more negative attitude [really? I would never have guessed.] and was ready to call it quits as soon as the going got tough. But Laura, who is so motivated this time, hit her where it hurts.


Do you want to be a Fat Bride?? no? Then MOVE IT!


ahahahaha!!! I love it. She fights dirty.


I'm so thrilled with my daughter who many of you know I've talked about over the years and her weight issues. She's happier with herself now and is following the menu plan so carefully that I can hardly believe she's the same person. Laura and Paul each have their own work out routine program on their Wii and now that Booty Camp is on hiatus until September, the girls are still going to the park and doing the work out on their own. They are amazing.

Allan's health continues to be worrisome. He had pains that turned out to be gall bladder, but by the time he saw the surgeon he was feeling fine so the doctor told him to go away and only return if the symptoms come back. And those can be controlled with a very bland diet...our gp told him - if you like it, you can't have it. That's the diet. Since I'd nearly had to drag Allan to the surgeon's office kicking and screaming just for the consultation, he is just fine with sticking to a diet, no matter how rigorous it is.

I wish I could say that was all that was wrong with Allan but that would be lying. He has been tired, even more so than usual. When he went for his annual checkup at the Pacemaker Clinic, I was hoping they would determine it was running too slow and adjust it and that would 'fix him.' Yeah. No, the technician ran her tests and determined everything is running perfect. 100% normal. Well, Hell. So he's back to our doctor again complaining of being really tired all the time. He's testing high for sugar and the doctor says that accounts for the exhaustion and fortunately it can be controlled with diet. Poor man. If it's not his heart, it's his back or his prostate, and if by some fluke, he's allowed to eat something good on the gall bladder diet, now the low sugar diet puts paid to that for him. We have to give the low sugar diet a couple of weeks to take effect and see whether that's the cause of his problem. I hope it is, otherwise I fear it means his cardiomyopathy is following it's natural progression and there's nothing else they can do for him.

Be Careful What You Wish For

The very dominance which had attracted me to Sir in the first place had started to upset and worry me more and more. He was becoming increasingly demanding of my time and rather than enjoying my submission to him, I was now in a state of almost constant turmoil and upset. As I learned about myself as a submissive, I realized that Sir, as powerful and dominant as he was, was too overwhelming for me.

Early on in our relationship, Sir had ordered me to take some pictures of myself and send them to him. We had negotiated from nude to wearing lingerie when I explained I had never posed nude for ANYONE and wasn't going to start at that point! I was willing to take the required photos but as usual, finding the private time was the issue. Time passed and Sir didn't press me about the pictures. I hadn't forgotten - there truly hadn't been an opportunity when I could do my hair and makeup, set the camera up and fumble around with the timer until I could get a few decent shots. One day I received a very angry email from Sir demanding the pictures by midnight the following day and specific instructions of how to accomplish the task since in his opinion [ the only one that counted in this instance] I had failed to use good judgement and had kept him waiting too long.

Three o'clock in the morning found me creeping around, gathering up the tripod for the camera, and my nicest bra and panties as well as a garter belt and stockings. I made my way into the bathroom and quietly shut the door. I quickly discovered it was easier to shoot into the mirror than with the tripod in such a small space, so I took a dozen shots as fast as I could and packed it in for the night praying the whole time that Allan wouldn't wake up as usual for a pee or a drink. I really wouldn't have been able to explain why I was prancing around in full makeup wearing lingerie and taking self portraits in the middle of the night! Fortunately, he didn't wake up and I sent Sir the photos the following day.

That was the first indication of his disconnect with my reality. Despite my many, many cautions to him before embarking on our journey, he somehow 'still' didn't understand that my husband was always around and my time was limited. Really limited. He was also insisting that at some point we were going to meet face to face. Huh? That had never been part of my plan. I could barely figure out time to talk on Skype, how on earth would I get away to a different city?

Under His Spell

Sir had an abiding interest in hypnosis and had practised it on himself and others for years. Now he was applying his skill and expertise to erotic hypnosis. I've already detailed how he trained me to Cum on Command. He also gave me a post-hypnotic-suggestion so that I would experience the sensation of being physically bound when Sir simply told me he was binding my 'X' - 'X' being some part of my anatomy. I know it sounds weird but like the orgasms on demand, it worked! It was the coolest thing ever when Sir suggested that my knees and ankles were tied together and I couldn't move them apart...and Holy Cow!! just as if there were magnets in those parts of my anatomy, my knees and ankles slammed together. Just. Like. That.

I absofuckinglutely loved it! I erm, have a thing for bondage. Have I mentioned that before? Well, I do. It's a huge turn on for me and Sir is a bondage expert. Hypnosis was a very cool way for him to tie me up long distance. Please Sir, I want some more.



I know kitty is bothered by the whole concept of allowing a virtual stranger this kind of power over you.


I had wavered and vacillated, asked for clarification for everything - and gotten it, hemmed and hawed and dipped my toes in the water enough times that they were starting to get wrinkled. Sir had been more than patient and with each clarification and thoughtful response to another newbie question, earned more of my trust.

The most important thing to consider though is that this wasn't face to face. If we had been meeting in person, I'm positive it would have taken me a lot longer to let down my guard enough for any trancing to occur. There was that odd sense of being aware of everything going on around me and what Sir was saying to me the whole time I was being 'tranced.' I had to stay aware of my surroundings in case Allan came downstairs, so I was convinced, especially those first few times, that I hadn't 'gone under' and nothing had happened - until I was proven wrong.

Cum for Me

Years ago when I first started to become aware of the world of kink, I remember someone talking about 'cumming on command'. There was no context nor explanation of how she - and it was a female submissive as it happens, accomplished that neat little trick. I pretty much filed and forgot it. Over the years the subject of cumming on command would reappear on blogs and forums but I still remained ignorant of the methodology. For all I knew the Dom/Dommes were waving magic wands over their subs.



I was extremely suspicious of the whole idea of cumming on command. Quite honestly it sounded pretty far fetched to me...somehow, someone would tell me to 'Cum Now' and I would?



Why? What would make me have an orgasm without being touched! Because as far as I knew, I needed touching, stroking, squeezing, pinching, grinding, pounding, slapping, caressing, licking, sucking and rubbing before I could cum. whew.



When I began my relationship with Sir, one of the very first things he had me do was a relaxation exercise which he called a Directed Journey. I was to visualize my feelings of guilt as a colour which I was to see leaving my body and dissipating in the air as I breathed out. I'm making this sound short and easy - it was slow and required concentration. Sir's instructions concluded with, "you will not borrow trouble from the future." I guess he already saw the way I worried and worried over everything whether I could do anything about it at the moment or not. Allan has scolded me for years about this and Lev had also said something about it. It's like a compulsion or something...instead of just dealing with what's in front of me, I have to look way down the road and worry myself sick over what might happen.

Back to the topic. *grins* The Directed Journey was the beginning of my adventure into Erotic Hypnosis with Sir. He has been involved with it for many years and enjoys everything about it. Much to my amazement, teaching me to Cum on Command was really pretty easy. After we had spoken on Skype enough to be comfortable with one another, Sir began giving me great orgasms. He used hypnosis and had me associate the orgasms with a word. When I heard 'only Sir, say or email' the word, would I have an orgasm x times stronger than the one I had that night. [you get the idea]

He did this several times over the course of the next few conversations and I truly didn't think anything happened. I was aware the whole time I was 'under' and kept thinking I was only doing it to please Sir and what was I going to do when he used my trigger? I haven't really been hypnotized and I'll have to confess when nothing happens...he'll use that trigger word - do I fake it? no, that's a very bad idea, but he'll be so upset to find out I didn't go under...AAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!! I'm a hopeless worrier.

Our Skype calls always began with pretty vanilla chat and during one of these chats a few nights later, Sir suddenly snapped out, "xxx, little one."

I came so hard I nearly fell off the couch.

"xxx" Again.

"xxx" Again.

"xxx" Again. Halp!

"xxx" Again.

"xxx" Again. Long distance sadism at it's finest. My stomach muscles were getting sore and I was getting short of breath. He "xxx'd" me four more times before deciding he'd had his fun and I probably couldn't take anymore. Anyhow, I do understand now and believe - oh my yes, I believe, in Cumming on Command.

Hair-y-less

email from Sir

'Oh, one little thing, if you are clean shaven on your cunt, I want you to let your hair grow back in to it's 'natural' state. No shaving whatsoever. Legs-yes, underarms-yes, bush-no. I don't find the shaved look that is all the rage today very attractive, I much prefer a woman to look like a woman, not a ten year old girl.'

It took years and years until I worked up the nerve to have my pussy waxed and I really, really loved being smooth. I loved everything about it. The feel of my clothing sliding over my hips and gliding up to rest between my legs, the way I never had to worry about even a bikini line when I wore a bathing suit, and how the water in the shower slid down my belly and pussy so very smoothly. I had switched from waxing to sugaring - much less painful and faster, too! And now here was Sir telling me he didn't like the smooth look. Noooooooo!!!!!!!

Children don't have hair in their armpits and yet men don't seem to have an issue with shaved underarms. Children also don't have much hair on their legs and again, I don't see discussions about how smooth legs make women look child like. Why is it only our genitals that freak men (and women) out?

An Affirmation

excerpt from a Skype IM conversation;

You are very self-deprecating, which is admirable.

But I think it also is a way for you to joke about a low self-esteem by getting the first blow in, so to speak. Is there any grain of truth in this?



You're a bit scary, Sir because you're very perceptive.

Jeez, he had that part of me figured out awfully fast. I've done that my whole life - made little jokes at my own expense and if I haven't spent time analyzing why I do it, certainly no one else has either.



Sir was even less happy with me several days later when I referred to myself as 'pathetic' while I was explaining to him what a low tolerance I have to alcohol. It didn't even occur to me that I had said anything other than take a mildly funny, rueful poke at my pathetic inability to imbibe more than one glass of wine without falling asleep.


No, you are not pathetic.
Do not talk about yourself that way, it insults you and more importantly, it insults me!

You are to write (long hand) the following 280 times;

I am not going to copy the affirmation that Sir gave me...six positive, empowering lines that I still recite [with moderations] to myself. I will share just the last line so you have a sense of how he wanted me to begin to think about myself.

I will never think, nor refer to myself as less than exceptional, ever again.

But omg! Write those six lines out 280 freaking times! The last time I had to write lines was - oh yeah, I remember. NEVER! Sir gave me a deadline as well as a penalty if I missed it. Of course I didn't miss it. I was days early. I fall down miserably in other areas of submission but I am a star when I can perform a task like this that doesn't require a lot of subterfuge.

Hasn't anyone found it odd that I was calling two men 'Sir' ? How kinky do you people think I am?

as S. and I have come to trust one another more, I shared with him about the deep feelings I have connected to 'Sir.' he isn't one for labels, but once he realized that I actually need the formality of the title - it helps to keep me focused among other things, he decided I should address him as Sir. so I am finally ready to let go of you being Sir to me and accept you as Lev. Thank you so very much for allowing me to lean on you for all these months and for all your help.

Lev said," not sure how I feel about being dumped as "Sir" but I'm sure that I'll get over it."

A Brilliant Conversationalist

Sir had given me his cell number and I was searching for a way to call him for the first time.

Calling from our home phone was obviously not an option. I couldn't call him from my cell phone as Allan pays the bills and he checks things over for accuracy. I thought a calling card would work if only I could find a phone booth.

I happened to be downtown several days after Sir and I had discussed my options and impulsively, I went into a store and purchased a calling card. It had dawned on me that I was in the swanky area of the city where all the expensive shops, restaurants and hotels are. Hello, HOTELS. Places where they still have public phones in quiet, private areas.

Off I traipsed to the closest hotel, marched in as though I owned the place, and sure enough found several pay phones in a private alcove which I had all to myself. Jocelyn, sometimes you are so freakin' smart. *pats self on back*

I fumbled through my bag for the phone card and then spent ten minutes staring at my pathetic little scrap of paper with Sir's cell number on it in my clammy, shaking hands. I finally worked up my nerve and made the call.

The card was rejected.


Six Times.


I was so nervous I kept trying to insert the calling card into the credit card slot in the pay phone. Jocelyn, sometimes you are so freakin' not smart.


I finally worked up my nerve and made the call [correctly] and omg! his phone started to ring. I was so nervous by that point that my knees were shaking and I was praying that he wouldn't be there to answer - "Please don't be there, please don't be there, please don't be there. Let the machine pick up, let the machine pick up, let the machine pick up." And miracle of miracles, his answering machine did pick up. I got to hear his very deep, masculine voice while he got to hear my octaves higher than normal voice babbling about how I might have fainted if he had actually answered the phone.

Remember the part in Dirty Dancing when Baby says," I carried the watermelon." and then can't believe she actually said something so dumb to someone she wanted to impress? That's what I felt like after I'd hung up. I couldn't believe I had said I might have fainted if he had answered - from hearing his voice? Sir was very kind when he picked up his messages and emailed me that he didn't want me fainting just from him picking up his cell phone.

The Course of Submission never did Run Smooth

As I mentioned to kitty in comments, I had great misgivings about getting involved with a Dominant online and finding out after my feelings were engaged that he was a fake. And this was in addition to all my other fears about starting a cyber relationship! So of course what happened? While we were away on our trip Amber emailed me with some sketchy details about everyone's favourite blog commenter Paul, having 'fessed up to lying for all those years about his whole online bio. Also a blogger named 'Cassie' whose blog I had actually read to Allan and mentioned to Sir turned out to be a complete fiction of another blogger.



I was sending very mixed signals to S. - telling him on the one hand I wanted to move forward with our relationship while on the other hand relating [in great detail] the whole phony blogger saga going all the way back to Patty[!] just to make sure he got the message. Clarification had taken a back seat to beating things to death. He really deserved a medal in those days.





'I respect your honesty regarding your indecision, but you will have to make up your mind sometime.
You can never experience what you want and not take the plunge. It's scary and dangerous, no two ways about it, the water is deep. You want to swim, you have to get wet, all over, not just the toe you dip.'





He was right. I took a deep breath and jumped.



Naturally we still had many adjustments to make. He was far more experienced with clear ideas of what he wanted out of a D/s relationship. Me? Not so much.



'I wish I could be as clear as you, but I'm afraid being a novice means I'm quite clueless. a big part of my journey has been my desire to experience submission under the hand of a truly dominant man, and not one I'm topping from the bottom. I did discover through my mentor, that I function much better when I'm under some one's control, and being allowed to call him Sir made me feel happier than I had in a very long time.'



S. was pleased that I opened up and trusted him enough to tell about my needs and told me to call him Sir from then on. He honestly hadn't cared anything about labels - as far as he was concerned, I could call myself a sub, a date, a girlfriend or a partner, it made no difference at all to him.



Sir had given me a pretty complicated task involving self bondage, a bullet, fancy lingerie and full makeup that I had delayed doing while I questioned everything until he finally told me, "Now jump to it, no more excuses."

excerpt from my email to Sir

My husband announced he was going out 'for a while' this afternoon. After casual questioning, I gathered he would be gone for at least an hour and possibly longer. Great. Perfect.

The second I heard the garage door close, I rushed and got out my rope, did my makeup, got undressed, practised tying my ankles a couple of times, and then lastly, lubed up my bullet for insertion. Ten minutes later I was swearing, sweating and covered with lube. I have only used that bullet once before and had trouble that time too, but finally everything was in place and I was all set. As I was preparing to sit down on the bed and start tying, I heard the buzz of the remote control [and it wasn't for the bullet] signaling my husband's return. Omg.

Panic! Thank goodness he had parcels to bring in and then decided to have a coffee before coming upstairs. Otherwise he would have seen me scurrying around [on tiptoe] tearing off my garter belt and stockings, scrubbing off the extra makeup and washing a litre of lube from the bullet and me, all the while having a perfectly normal conversation with him. Welcome to my life.

Sir was vastly entertained and amused by my near disaster. Yes, he is a sadist! After begging my pardon for laughing at my discomfort because he's also a gentleman, he gave me some suggestions to help avoid similar 'near misses' in the future. I just kept thinking about what I would have done if Allan had come directly upstairs when he came in. I couldn't imagine any explanation for why I would have been standing there with rope in my hands, a push-up bra, garter belt and stockings on and extra makeup. Not to mention the tail from the bullet hanging from between my legs. {{shudders}} My only hope would have been to have run for the bathroom, but even that's not a great solution cuz after so many years, we just don't bother closing the door normally, so shutting it and locking it? Yeah, might as well just put up a sign.

DOING SOMETHING I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT!

Sir, in an effort to cheer me up offered some excuses to tell Allan if necessary -this is my favourite.

2. that you had a stroke and you don't recognize him

How to Find a Dom

How does one go about finding an online Dominant? I was dithering around as usual wondering how I was going to weed out the trolls when Lev stepped up again and offered to help screen the contenders.




I soon developed my own screening method - men who can't spell, or be bothered to use a spell checker, and haven't got a grasp of basic grammar, are out. Writing skilz were on the 'must have' list, along with a sense of humour. Those requirements eliminated a surprising number of men.



Like this one;



"I would like to talk with you about domination distance you can be interested."



and this one;



"i think you know what i mean sweet sub and u fantazixe about and it and dream about it dont you???"



This was one of my favourites. He described himself as 'an educated Dom' - maybe he graduated third grade.


"This process we all seem to get caught up in is a very complex chore , we know opposite personalities attract and similar ones expel ,but to find the right combination is hard."


Meanwhile another member from Kinsters with Nilla Partners on FetLife had emailed me in response to a comment I had made weeks earlier. I answered him and we soon began to correspond regularly.




S. was smart, articulate and funny. We shared the pain of being married to spouses we loved very much but who just don't get us. Or if they do [like Allan] can't or won't fulfill our needs. S. had been playing with subs and slaves for many years but had never had one of his own, while I was such a basket case of newbieness that I was considering changing my FetLife name to NervousNellie.


As we began to talk more seriously about D/s, his emails seemed to get more personal and I went fleeing back to Lev [who was still Sir to me at this time] in an absolute panic.


"What does this mean? ... second date!? huh? we're still just chatting on FL. Does this seem like more than just a friendly note to you? Please read it and tell me if I'm over reacting."



This is just a small excerpt from my email to Sir and an even smaller part of his reply to me.


"...you are new @ all this, aren't you!


it's kinda humourous [to me at least]. and he's taking his time and kibbitzing with you. remember, take things slowly. don't jump to conclusions. ask him [or me] if you need clarifications - it's a Dom's responsibility to ensure subs understand things"





He went through the parts of the email that I'd asked him to explain to me and as always urged me to keep things simple and honest.





thank you for answering so quickly, Sir. not that I was anxious or anything... I figured I was better off giving you a laugh and getting clarification than making myself sick worrying about 'hidden meanings' - and of course I'm new at this. I was 21 when I got married! jeebus, I haven't talked to a man that way since 1972. and that's not even taking D/s into account.




The series of emails between S. and me reveal a dom who was very observant and really paying attention to what I told him turned me on. I had directed him to my blog as a way of getting to know me better and as our communication deepened it became clear that he had read the blog most thoroughly. He referenced topics I had discussed and asked me to expand on subjects from specific dates. Knowing what a bundle of guilty nerves I was, he gave me some 'progressive relaxation techniques' as a way of relieving some of my anxiety. I was to become very familiar with PRT as time went on.


S. and I were finding our way, slowly and cautiously on my part as I questioned and asked for clarification about practically everything - and slowly and patiently on his part as he explained, offered clarification and reassured me - again, that ultimately I had to do what was best for me.

I was very apprehensive about being able to find the time and privacy to talk to S. if I decided to go ahead with the relationship. Even a cyber affair requires communication and I told S. repeatedly that my husband is retired, around nearly all the time and finding time to talk and scene was going to be VERY difficult. I told him I would understand perfectly if he wished to back out, although as he pointed out, we weren't in yet so he couldn't really back out. lol.

Allan and I were preparing to leave for a month long trip at this time and I was hesitant to commit to a relationship before leaving, which is what I told S. He was fine with that, in fact I was really impressed with his attitude. He wanted me to do what was right for me. But hesitant though I was, I was more excited and turned on by this Dom who I didn't have to pretend around. I could be my submissive self and he liked me that way! I was hooked. I did what I said I wasn't going to do and contacted S. before we left on our trip. He wrote a scenario for me that left me in a puddle of goo and aching from clenching tummy muscles. Bon Voyage.

In the real world, you must wear shoes.

You guys will just have to be patient while I organize the rest of the story. I don't remember as fast as I used to - ask what's his name - he'll tell you. Oh gawd, ask my kids, they'll really tell on me!

We're going traveling again. We leave in early October for three weeks and are trying something a bit different this time - a river boat cruise from Paris to Vienna. The pace should be considerably slower and we really find the whole 'small boat' idea appealing. There are only 132 passengers on board [hope they're not jerks] and there's no hassle of docking and disembarking at each port. I think the boat just ties up and we step off. Very low tech.

The wedding woes continue. It's difficult to explain kosher to someone who hasn't grown up living with it and that's what we're faced with I'm afraid. Without going into long boring detail, Allan and I want the food to be kosher...under supervision kosher, not kosher style, and the young couple think it's alright to have their wedding basically anywhere and bring in food on trays [like airline meals] for the few orthodox people who won't eat anything but strictly kosher. We have always made our affairs kosher and don't see any reason to stop now but Leah is very upset and can't understand why we're being so unreasonable. We feel badly because we really want to make them happy and have this be as easy and stress free as possible. But how can my son expect his father to compromise his values? Why would he ever think that would happen? I understand that Mark wants to make Leah happy but he also has to be smart enough to know that some things just aren't going to happen.

I'll keep you posted on the latest developments.

Taking a Deep Breath

I wish I could write about the great D/s scenes Allan and I have been enjoying since our lesson in the dungeon, but sadly, life doesn't always give you what you want...isn't there a song like that?




Allan was just remarkable to indulge me in my dungeon fantasy - I can't imagine many Vanilla men who would do that for their wives, never mind a 78 year old one. But that was the end of line. He never did find out who sold canes that might have felt more comfortable in his hand and I wasn't about to start nagging him about it. Nuh-uh! Wasn't going to fall back into the bad old ways that created so much tension in our relationship.




My mentor, had given me permission to call him by name once the dungeon 'task' was accomplished, but I had become very content and secure calling him Sir and had what can only be described as a panic attack at the thought of losing that.




I know you're not my dom so I can't even explain the panicky feeling I got when I thought I couldn't use that term any more. I keep thinking that A is missing out on a good thing if only he would take advantage of it, but he never wants to take my submission seriously enough and I'm in the position of having to make it look as if I'm kidding around much of the time so he won't get scared off.




L reinstated my calling him Sir and explained that I finally "had someone, even though not your Dom, treating you the way you want to be, the way you felt you should be. Providing direction, a certain amount of control, and setting clear expectations of your behaviour."





The feeling of relief that gave me was huge. I had called Allan 'Sir' many times when we had played - but no matter how much I wanted it to turn me on and be a powerful word, it never happened because Allan wasn't dominant enough and I always felt slightly silly whenever I used it. I was sure the *Fake-Wannabe Police* were going to throw open the door and I would hear, " WHAT A FRAUD. YOU'RE AN IMPOSTOR. WE KNOW THE TRUTH."
On the other hand, when L told me to call him Sir and gave me the list of orders to ask Allan to take me to the dungeon, I hopped to it happily and I have never, ever felt the tiniest bit silly addressing him as Sir.

L. was domming me enough to take the edge off my craving as well as answering my questions along the way. Since I had never so much as spoken to a Dom before meeting L., I also made my share of blunders along the way - nothing earth shattering, but I remember getting a writing assignment and going off to work on it, not understanding that I was supposed to stay in touch and let L know what progress I was making [or not] on a regular basis. I thought it was fine to stay incommunicado until the work was completed. Uh, no - that is so not what is expected. *grins* And this wasn't to be the last time I was chastised for this type of error. Months later when I was in a D/s relationship, I was scolded again for not communicating enough. It was deja vu all over again.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. It took several more months of soul searching after my birthday for me to finally - finally - reach the conclusion that I had to seek a D/s relationship outside of my marriage or I was going to shrivel up and die. The time had come. I had talked and discussed the issues backwards, forwards, upside down and around and around with L until there just wasn't any where else to go with it. Either I was going to take the plunge or I wasn't.

Not Cat Blogging - but Close

Because I'm already knee deep in shit with the engaged couple over catering decisions...I haven't made up my mind if I want to blog about it or not...this post is brought to you by *I'm too aggravated to blog at the moment - talk amongst yourselves*

Regular blogging will resume shortly.

p.s. a slightly belated Happy Father's Day to all you terrific daddys who happen to drop by. You guys are the best.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(FYI #10 is my favourite.)


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Believe in Miracles but don't Depend on Them. Part lll - The Cane Mutiny

again, these notes were made shortly after our visit to the dungeon.


After Allan's stellar dungeon performance, I knew it was critical that I not screw up by pressurring him about buying a cane. He appeared to have enjoyed wielding one in the dungeon enough that he questioned Lady A about what to look for when purchasing one for himself. She told him that the best material is rattan and showed him how to find the perfect balance point. I was optimistic that our hour in the dungeon was going to yield some positive results...or at least a change in attitude.


I was hoping that he would take the opportunity of my absence at the spa to go to xxxxx to at least look at canes...but no such luck.

In fact, he first denied he had asked where to buy a cane at all! Then he twisted Lady A's answer to something other than what she really said. I was proud of myself - I didn't argue, I even made a bit of a joke about it and then just dropped the whole subject. There was nothing to be gained by arguing.




I reminded myself - again, that all this D/s isn't where Allan's interest lies and I have to top from the bottom if we're to move forward. I approached him the other day and just told him that I wanted us to go shopping for a cane.



We did go to XXXXX to look at canes and as soon as we walked in, the cute little clerk, who must have thought two vanilla type people had wandered in by mistake (not knowing that I was getting off on the smell of the leather and the sight of the collars, cuffs and yes, despite my problems wearing them, gags), rushed over and said, "Yes Sir, may I help you?"



Allan: "Yes. I'd like to look at canes."



CLC: "Do you mean 'canes' ?" (miming hobbling with a cane).



Allan: "No, I mean canes." (miming slashing a cane in the air).



CLC: "Oh...of course! I'm sorry Sir.

I just wanted to make sure. They're all the way at the back counter."


So just what does a perv look like?

We didn't buy one of their canes though because Allan didn't like the feel of any of them. I dunno, they all felt pretty good to me when he tried them out on my ass. *grins*

Believe in Miracles but don't Depend on Them. Part ll

An evening of perverted play in a dungeon sounded like a dream come true...but how on earth was I going to ask Allan to go somewhere like that?? o_O!



I needn't have worried because after I dawdled for days and days, L sent me a list of very specific orders stipulating exactly how I was to approach Allan, with a 72 hour deadline for completion at which point I was to give him a report on what had transpired. To my amazement, within hours of receiving L's, instructions I went in search of my unsuspecting victim husband. I found him reading by the pool and I asked him if I could speak to him. I told him that I loved him, that I'd thought long and hard about what I'd wanted for my birthday and that I wanted him to take me to a dungeon.[I was very careful to follow Sir's instruction not to beg or make him feel pressured and to be courteous and respectful ] There was more that I asked of him but I'm keeping that private. To my gobsmacked delight Allan agreed to everything immediately.




the following are taken from notes and emails.

he gave me the suggestion for the visit to the dungeon, I had no idea such things existed for private use. I also couldn't believe that Allan agreed so readily. I was positive he would give me the kind of grief that I had blogged about so often, but when I tried explaining that to L, he just told me to stop whining and get on with it. I felt like asking him if he knew Brian! LOL. I did just what he told me to do and I guess it takes a man to comprehend a man's mind [god knows I don't] because it worked like a charm. *smiles* Calling the couple of reputable dungeons [talk about an oxymoron] here was sooo embarrassing. Silly I know, I was only a voice on the phone, and that's what I told Sir, but I couldn't bring myself to make the calls until he practically threatened death! How stupid was I...it was something for me! Of course when I spoke to the woman who runs the place on the phone, she was very nice and truly, she's heard it all before and it was easy to talk to her. By then I had decided that it would be a good idea to have a professional with us for our time there to teach us/Allan the correct way to use the equipment and toys. I would have preferred a Master but the dungeon we chose only has Dommes on staff. And yes, Allan was okay with all of this. L had reservations about using a Master but since the dungeon that has them on staff never returned my calls, it became a moot point.



I'm definitely not attracted to women. Not even slightly. Even though it was my idea to have a professional with us for the hour, it was a little weird, But it was great having someone who really knows everything about all those things, teaching Allan the correct way to use a cane or the things to watch out for if he ties me up - in fact she showed him how to tie me up!







I truly hope that you get the beating of your life, have all your limits [and other things] stretched, and cum like a fountain! may you wear your marks proudly.



Sir, I'm back! None of those things happened, but it's okay because we learned a lot. There's no longer any doubt about it...I'm kinky! For the record, a professional has confirmed my submissive status. I feel as though I should get a certificate. No more obsessing for me. *whew*

I could have happily stayed fastened to the St. Andrews cross for the hour while A practised his flogging technique, got some pointers and tried out some different floggers. That was the only time during the night when I could have drifted away if Lady Antoinette had not been instructing A about checking my circulation and to remember to caress me or pinch a tit or something to stay in communication with me. We already knew that Allan is fairly proficient with a flogger, so Lady A showed him how to cane me and then handed the cane over to him. oh. my. god. I do believe it is a match made in heaven. Allan was a drummer years ago and Lady A explained caning in terms of drumming, so it all clicked right away and I gave him lots of very positive feedback. He actually asked her where to go to buy canes before we left! *grins*

I didn't do too well with the nipple clamps. They were the gentlest ones but they still hurt like hell in about a minute. Maybe the atmosphere was too clinical, or maybe I'm a big baby. lol. But tit slapping was hawt! Allan could see right away how much I got off on that. The gags that I thought turned me on so and have fantasized about for so long? Yeah, didn't work out very well. After I admired myself in the mirror, I lasted about five minutes before I started truly gagging. Lovely. Lady A suggested gags made from stockings, panties, etc. That suits A just fine. He was OK with me experimenting with the gag there [ but he turned away as soon as she mentioned gags] "that's what we're here for. try everything." But he'd just as soon not have one in the house. And now I'm content with that. :)

I think being able to ask all the questions he wanted to and have them answered honestly in addition to seeing firsthand how to cane me was not only educational but liberating. And I know that when he buys a cane he knows what to look for and when he picks it up to use it on me, he'll have a clue what he's doing. There was more that we did and said but you get the idea. You were right, it was a freaking steam bath in that room! I was alright since I wound up wearing only stockings and panties *grins*...but poor Allan was literally wringing wet. They apparently don't spend much anything on building maintenance.

I thanked my husband profusely for my wonderful birthday present. Now I have to hope he feels up to playing. My daughter and I are going out of town on Wednesday for a couple of days [spa, here we come!] and I'm hoping he'll head down to XXXXXX to buy a cane while I'm away. I'm not saying anything.

Believe in Miracles but Don't Depend on Them

When I stopped blogging ten months ago, I had turned into a true desperate housewife. Neither my craving for Domination and submission nor my sexual yearnings were being met. I knew that Allan was simply unable to meet my needs not only physically but more importantly at that point, mentally. It wasn't fair to keep pressuring him for something he wasn't equipped to deliver, and after much agonized soul searching I came to the conclusion that I had to look outside my marriage for someone to play with. What I didn't know was whether I had the nerve to take that enormous step.



I had quietly joined FetLife a couple of months before I quit posting but I never did anything with it. FetLife for those of you who don't know, is the FaceBook of the kinky community. (and it's the brainchild of a Canadian. yay!) I decided to begin exploring the groups and see what developed.



There were many groups, although not nearly as many as now, but none seemed right for someone like me to feel at home in - yes, I was a 'newbie' but no, I wasn't in a kinky relationship. Yes, I identified as a submissive but no, I didn't have a dominant in my life. And on and on. So I joined the book club and some other basic information groups and just lurked, soaking up whatever pointers I could absorb and fending off the trolls -my god the trolls! - that shocked and horrified me whenever they sent me messages. I was so pathetically green in those early days, I actually politely replied to each of them saying basically, "thanks, but no thanks." I learned very quickly that good manners don't always work but Fet's Block button does. LOL.



One evening I discovered a group that seemed custom made for me - Kinksters With Nilla Partners. It was the first time I posted an introduction and contributed to several of the discussions. It's a comparatively small and not terribly active group but most of the members seem to be in my age range and many of us are struggling with similar issues.


One night I received a friendly email from a member of the group. It was just a hi, we're in the same location. similar age. almost the same situation. He's someone who has been there and done that. A Dom (with a sub) in a vanilla marriage. He knows exactly what I'm dealing with and I don't have to feel guilty talking about the issues and my feelings.



L. and I started chatting that evening nearly a year ago, and he's turned out to be a wonderful friend. I have been able to discuss all my worries and concerns [endlessly] about taking such a frightening step and what it would mean to my marriage. After a month of conversation, it was obvious I wasn't ready to take the leap. I was still talking my problems to death until L. being a Dom, took matters in hand. I had been bemoaning Allan's lack of understanding of my desires [for a change] and wishing that for my upcoming birthday I could say to him, 'I would like your permission and approval to find a play partner' and he would agree! Like that was ever going to happen.


What L. proposed was this;



For your birthday: tell Allan you want to be taken to a dungeon [there's a lovely one on xxxxx with reasonable rental rates] and you want him to flog you and ravage you with his mind, words, hands, mouth. That you want him to make you his. That all that you want.



And then he gave me some very practical advice regarding making a decision one way or the other. Without telling me what to do. He never tells me what to do when it comes to major decisions. He helps me see my options and then leaves it up to me. It's all very grown up. [g] He touched on the possibility that maybe an online or cyber relationship might in fact bring some peace and contentment to my life and marriage. I hadn't considered that there could be a gray area and possibly a positive influence on my relationship with my husband in all this. If I could fulfill some of the desires that torment me, will that take away some of the longing and frustrations that have played such havoc with our lives? Since I tend only to see things in black and white, this was indeed food for thought.

However, I was still dithering about my birthday request. I soon learned that a Dominant doesn't forget and doesn't let things go. After asking me a time or two if I had spoken to Allan about taking me to the dungeon for my birthday, since I had so enthusiastically agreed when he had proposed the idea, and realizing I hadn't, L asked if I needed or wanted him to Dom me into doing it. Of course I did. It felt completely right and when his list of orders followed and the first one was that I was to call him Sir...heaven.

So Romantic

Mark got engaged Wednesday night!!! The phone rang while we were preparing dinner and we answered it to the sound of two very excited, ecstatic, young people shouting in our ears. We had been in on the secret all week - ever since Mark had come over and told us he was going to ask Leah to marry him on her birthday - June 3rd. Oh, and could we take the dog for the night?

He was planning on asking Leah's father for permission to marry his daughter [how beautiful is that] and then carrying out his plan for his elaborate birthday proposal, assuming her father gave his blessing...like he was going to refuse MY son!

Leah is an elementary school teacher and she teaches at a private school far away from home. She's had a horrible year with the fifth grade class from hell. Or rather the parents from hell and has been beyond stressed for months on end. So Mark wanted to do something really special for her birthday.

I have to say that I have wonderful kids. Laura is such a fantastic sister that she leaves me speechless sometimes. She took the day off work knowing that room decorating isn't her brother's forte and went around town with him gathering all the necessary items to make the hotel room look as romantic and special as possible. When Mark thought a bouquet of flowers would be nice, Laura covered the room in Gerberas -Leah's favourites. She also got them an upgraded to a one bedroom suite and had a bunch of complimentary things thrown in for good measure. She's awesome.

When Leah arrived home from another brutal day at school, instead of finding Mark waiting for her, she found a single flower fastened to the door of their apartment along with a note telling her to get changed because her ride would be coming at 5:30. And at 5:30 a driver knocked on the door and escorted her to a limousine. He drove her to a downtown hotel where Mark was waiting for her. He gave her a dvd she'd been wanting [She's not that into You...which is really funny considering what came later] and then he brought out a list of goals they'd made earlier in the year and had been checking off as they accomplished each of them. He had bought a red sharpie and checked off all of them - including the last one on the list;

ASK LEAH TO MARRY ME

She apparently read the list twice before the words penetrated and by then Mark was down on one knee. My son is a romantic through and through. Although Leah said he did attempt to slip the ring onto the wrong finger.

They went out for dinner to celebrate at a gorgeous restaurant where they were seated in the old freight elevator. It was romantic, private and everything they wanted their special night to be.

We are thrilled to have another daughter.

Hello Again

It seems I'm not done with blogging after all. I just needed a long break to make some decisions about my life, my marriage and how I was going to carry on.



Wow, that sounds so melodramatic - I don't mean it to, but that is the reality of where I've been and what I've been doing.

Allan and I are fine. Now that I am no longer consumed with those overwhelming desires and constantly pressuring him for attention, our relationship is back on track. Of course we bicker...show me a couple married for thirty seven years that doesn't, but it doesn't mean anything and we're really content now. I am affectionate with Allan without having a hidden agenda - I'm not trying to get him turned on or 'interested' all the time and he knows he can just relax and not worry about trying to be a Dom.

I have always flatly said that I dislike labels, and that's true. But I realized I didn't truly understand the labels I was distaining and that's not right. So I researched the definitions for Top and Bottom, Dom and Sub, and Master and Slave.

Top
1. One who takes the active role in a physical scene, but not necessarily mental/emotional control

2. a term used for most that "play" in the Dom/me role. The one that controls things but only for the playtime

Now I understand why I was so frustrated with my husband. I needed a Dom and he was struggling just to top me. And of course I wasn't happy being forced into topping from the bottom. Sometimes labels can be helpful. It might have helped the situation had I been more aware of the role of 'Top' when we were struggling so much. I wouldn't have had such high, unrealistic expectations of him and he would have been far more comfortable without the mental/emotional baggage to worry about every time he attempted a scene.

For someone who loves researching as much as I do, I don't know how I messed up so badly. Sometimes I amaze myself.