How to Find a Dom

How does one go about finding an online Dominant? I was dithering around as usual wondering how I was going to weed out the trolls when Lev stepped up again and offered to help screen the contenders.




I soon developed my own screening method - men who can't spell, or be bothered to use a spell checker, and haven't got a grasp of basic grammar, are out. Writing skilz were on the 'must have' list, along with a sense of humour. Those requirements eliminated a surprising number of men.



Like this one;



"I would like to talk with you about domination distance you can be interested."



and this one;



"i think you know what i mean sweet sub and u fantazixe about and it and dream about it dont you???"



This was one of my favourites. He described himself as 'an educated Dom' - maybe he graduated third grade.


"This process we all seem to get caught up in is a very complex chore , we know opposite personalities attract and similar ones expel ,but to find the right combination is hard."


Meanwhile another member from Kinsters with Nilla Partners on FetLife had emailed me in response to a comment I had made weeks earlier. I answered him and we soon began to correspond regularly.




S. was smart, articulate and funny. We shared the pain of being married to spouses we loved very much but who just don't get us. Or if they do [like Allan] can't or won't fulfill our needs. S. had been playing with subs and slaves for many years but had never had one of his own, while I was such a basket case of newbieness that I was considering changing my FetLife name to NervousNellie.


As we began to talk more seriously about D/s, his emails seemed to get more personal and I went fleeing back to Lev [who was still Sir to me at this time] in an absolute panic.


"What does this mean? ... second date!? huh? we're still just chatting on FL. Does this seem like more than just a friendly note to you? Please read it and tell me if I'm over reacting."



This is just a small excerpt from my email to Sir and an even smaller part of his reply to me.


"...you are new @ all this, aren't you!


it's kinda humourous [to me at least]. and he's taking his time and kibbitzing with you. remember, take things slowly. don't jump to conclusions. ask him [or me] if you need clarifications - it's a Dom's responsibility to ensure subs understand things"





He went through the parts of the email that I'd asked him to explain to me and as always urged me to keep things simple and honest.





thank you for answering so quickly, Sir. not that I was anxious or anything... I figured I was better off giving you a laugh and getting clarification than making myself sick worrying about 'hidden meanings' - and of course I'm new at this. I was 21 when I got married! jeebus, I haven't talked to a man that way since 1972. and that's not even taking D/s into account.




The series of emails between S. and me reveal a dom who was very observant and really paying attention to what I told him turned me on. I had directed him to my blog as a way of getting to know me better and as our communication deepened it became clear that he had read the blog most thoroughly. He referenced topics I had discussed and asked me to expand on subjects from specific dates. Knowing what a bundle of guilty nerves I was, he gave me some 'progressive relaxation techniques' as a way of relieving some of my anxiety. I was to become very familiar with PRT as time went on.


S. and I were finding our way, slowly and cautiously on my part as I questioned and asked for clarification about practically everything - and slowly and patiently on his part as he explained, offered clarification and reassured me - again, that ultimately I had to do what was best for me.

I was very apprehensive about being able to find the time and privacy to talk to S. if I decided to go ahead with the relationship. Even a cyber affair requires communication and I told S. repeatedly that my husband is retired, around nearly all the time and finding time to talk and scene was going to be VERY difficult. I told him I would understand perfectly if he wished to back out, although as he pointed out, we weren't in yet so he couldn't really back out. lol.

Allan and I were preparing to leave for a month long trip at this time and I was hesitant to commit to a relationship before leaving, which is what I told S. He was fine with that, in fact I was really impressed with his attitude. He wanted me to do what was right for me. But hesitant though I was, I was more excited and turned on by this Dom who I didn't have to pretend around. I could be my submissive self and he liked me that way! I was hooked. I did what I said I wasn't going to do and contacted S. before we left on our trip. He wrote a scenario for me that left me in a puddle of goo and aching from clenching tummy muscles. Bon Voyage.

In the real world, you must wear shoes.

You guys will just have to be patient while I organize the rest of the story. I don't remember as fast as I used to - ask what's his name - he'll tell you. Oh gawd, ask my kids, they'll really tell on me!

We're going traveling again. We leave in early October for three weeks and are trying something a bit different this time - a river boat cruise from Paris to Vienna. The pace should be considerably slower and we really find the whole 'small boat' idea appealing. There are only 132 passengers on board [hope they're not jerks] and there's no hassle of docking and disembarking at each port. I think the boat just ties up and we step off. Very low tech.

The wedding woes continue. It's difficult to explain kosher to someone who hasn't grown up living with it and that's what we're faced with I'm afraid. Without going into long boring detail, Allan and I want the food to be kosher...under supervision kosher, not kosher style, and the young couple think it's alright to have their wedding basically anywhere and bring in food on trays [like airline meals] for the few orthodox people who won't eat anything but strictly kosher. We have always made our affairs kosher and don't see any reason to stop now but Leah is very upset and can't understand why we're being so unreasonable. We feel badly because we really want to make them happy and have this be as easy and stress free as possible. But how can my son expect his father to compromise his values? Why would he ever think that would happen? I understand that Mark wants to make Leah happy but he also has to be smart enough to know that some things just aren't going to happen.

I'll keep you posted on the latest developments.

Taking a Deep Breath

I wish I could write about the great D/s scenes Allan and I have been enjoying since our lesson in the dungeon, but sadly, life doesn't always give you what you want...isn't there a song like that?




Allan was just remarkable to indulge me in my dungeon fantasy - I can't imagine many Vanilla men who would do that for their wives, never mind a 78 year old one. But that was the end of line. He never did find out who sold canes that might have felt more comfortable in his hand and I wasn't about to start nagging him about it. Nuh-uh! Wasn't going to fall back into the bad old ways that created so much tension in our relationship.




My mentor, had given me permission to call him by name once the dungeon 'task' was accomplished, but I had become very content and secure calling him Sir and had what can only be described as a panic attack at the thought of losing that.




I know you're not my dom so I can't even explain the panicky feeling I got when I thought I couldn't use that term any more. I keep thinking that A is missing out on a good thing if only he would take advantage of it, but he never wants to take my submission seriously enough and I'm in the position of having to make it look as if I'm kidding around much of the time so he won't get scared off.




L reinstated my calling him Sir and explained that I finally "had someone, even though not your Dom, treating you the way you want to be, the way you felt you should be. Providing direction, a certain amount of control, and setting clear expectations of your behaviour."





The feeling of relief that gave me was huge. I had called Allan 'Sir' many times when we had played - but no matter how much I wanted it to turn me on and be a powerful word, it never happened because Allan wasn't dominant enough and I always felt slightly silly whenever I used it. I was sure the *Fake-Wannabe Police* were going to throw open the door and I would hear, " WHAT A FRAUD. YOU'RE AN IMPOSTOR. WE KNOW THE TRUTH."
On the other hand, when L told me to call him Sir and gave me the list of orders to ask Allan to take me to the dungeon, I hopped to it happily and I have never, ever felt the tiniest bit silly addressing him as Sir.

L. was domming me enough to take the edge off my craving as well as answering my questions along the way. Since I had never so much as spoken to a Dom before meeting L., I also made my share of blunders along the way - nothing earth shattering, but I remember getting a writing assignment and going off to work on it, not understanding that I was supposed to stay in touch and let L know what progress I was making [or not] on a regular basis. I thought it was fine to stay incommunicado until the work was completed. Uh, no - that is so not what is expected. *grins* And this wasn't to be the last time I was chastised for this type of error. Months later when I was in a D/s relationship, I was scolded again for not communicating enough. It was deja vu all over again.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. It took several more months of soul searching after my birthday for me to finally - finally - reach the conclusion that I had to seek a D/s relationship outside of my marriage or I was going to shrivel up and die. The time had come. I had talked and discussed the issues backwards, forwards, upside down and around and around with L until there just wasn't any where else to go with it. Either I was going to take the plunge or I wasn't.

Not Cat Blogging - but Close

Because I'm already knee deep in shit with the engaged couple over catering decisions...I haven't made up my mind if I want to blog about it or not...this post is brought to you by *I'm too aggravated to blog at the moment - talk amongst yourselves*

Regular blogging will resume shortly.

p.s. a slightly belated Happy Father's Day to all you terrific daddys who happen to drop by. You guys are the best.
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(FYI #10 is my favourite.)


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Believe in Miracles but don't Depend on Them. Part lll - The Cane Mutiny

again, these notes were made shortly after our visit to the dungeon.


After Allan's stellar dungeon performance, I knew it was critical that I not screw up by pressurring him about buying a cane. He appeared to have enjoyed wielding one in the dungeon enough that he questioned Lady A about what to look for when purchasing one for himself. She told him that the best material is rattan and showed him how to find the perfect balance point. I was optimistic that our hour in the dungeon was going to yield some positive results...or at least a change in attitude.


I was hoping that he would take the opportunity of my absence at the spa to go to xxxxx to at least look at canes...but no such luck.

In fact, he first denied he had asked where to buy a cane at all! Then he twisted Lady A's answer to something other than what she really said. I was proud of myself - I didn't argue, I even made a bit of a joke about it and then just dropped the whole subject. There was nothing to be gained by arguing.




I reminded myself - again, that all this D/s isn't where Allan's interest lies and I have to top from the bottom if we're to move forward. I approached him the other day and just told him that I wanted us to go shopping for a cane.



We did go to XXXXX to look at canes and as soon as we walked in, the cute little clerk, who must have thought two vanilla type people had wandered in by mistake (not knowing that I was getting off on the smell of the leather and the sight of the collars, cuffs and yes, despite my problems wearing them, gags), rushed over and said, "Yes Sir, may I help you?"



Allan: "Yes. I'd like to look at canes."



CLC: "Do you mean 'canes' ?" (miming hobbling with a cane).



Allan: "No, I mean canes." (miming slashing a cane in the air).



CLC: "Oh...of course! I'm sorry Sir.

I just wanted to make sure. They're all the way at the back counter."


So just what does a perv look like?

We didn't buy one of their canes though because Allan didn't like the feel of any of them. I dunno, they all felt pretty good to me when he tried them out on my ass. *grins*

Believe in Miracles but don't Depend on Them. Part ll

An evening of perverted play in a dungeon sounded like a dream come true...but how on earth was I going to ask Allan to go somewhere like that?? o_O!



I needn't have worried because after I dawdled for days and days, L sent me a list of very specific orders stipulating exactly how I was to approach Allan, with a 72 hour deadline for completion at which point I was to give him a report on what had transpired. To my amazement, within hours of receiving L's, instructions I went in search of my unsuspecting victim husband. I found him reading by the pool and I asked him if I could speak to him. I told him that I loved him, that I'd thought long and hard about what I'd wanted for my birthday and that I wanted him to take me to a dungeon.[I was very careful to follow Sir's instruction not to beg or make him feel pressured and to be courteous and respectful ] There was more that I asked of him but I'm keeping that private. To my gobsmacked delight Allan agreed to everything immediately.




the following are taken from notes and emails.

he gave me the suggestion for the visit to the dungeon, I had no idea such things existed for private use. I also couldn't believe that Allan agreed so readily. I was positive he would give me the kind of grief that I had blogged about so often, but when I tried explaining that to L, he just told me to stop whining and get on with it. I felt like asking him if he knew Brian! LOL. I did just what he told me to do and I guess it takes a man to comprehend a man's mind [god knows I don't] because it worked like a charm. *smiles* Calling the couple of reputable dungeons [talk about an oxymoron] here was sooo embarrassing. Silly I know, I was only a voice on the phone, and that's what I told Sir, but I couldn't bring myself to make the calls until he practically threatened death! How stupid was I...it was something for me! Of course when I spoke to the woman who runs the place on the phone, she was very nice and truly, she's heard it all before and it was easy to talk to her. By then I had decided that it would be a good idea to have a professional with us for our time there to teach us/Allan the correct way to use the equipment and toys. I would have preferred a Master but the dungeon we chose only has Dommes on staff. And yes, Allan was okay with all of this. L had reservations about using a Master but since the dungeon that has them on staff never returned my calls, it became a moot point.



I'm definitely not attracted to women. Not even slightly. Even though it was my idea to have a professional with us for the hour, it was a little weird, But it was great having someone who really knows everything about all those things, teaching Allan the correct way to use a cane or the things to watch out for if he ties me up - in fact she showed him how to tie me up!







I truly hope that you get the beating of your life, have all your limits [and other things] stretched, and cum like a fountain! may you wear your marks proudly.



Sir, I'm back! None of those things happened, but it's okay because we learned a lot. There's no longer any doubt about it...I'm kinky! For the record, a professional has confirmed my submissive status. I feel as though I should get a certificate. No more obsessing for me. *whew*

I could have happily stayed fastened to the St. Andrews cross for the hour while A practised his flogging technique, got some pointers and tried out some different floggers. That was the only time during the night when I could have drifted away if Lady Antoinette had not been instructing A about checking my circulation and to remember to caress me or pinch a tit or something to stay in communication with me. We already knew that Allan is fairly proficient with a flogger, so Lady A showed him how to cane me and then handed the cane over to him. oh. my. god. I do believe it is a match made in heaven. Allan was a drummer years ago and Lady A explained caning in terms of drumming, so it all clicked right away and I gave him lots of very positive feedback. He actually asked her where to go to buy canes before we left! *grins*

I didn't do too well with the nipple clamps. They were the gentlest ones but they still hurt like hell in about a minute. Maybe the atmosphere was too clinical, or maybe I'm a big baby. lol. But tit slapping was hawt! Allan could see right away how much I got off on that. The gags that I thought turned me on so and have fantasized about for so long? Yeah, didn't work out very well. After I admired myself in the mirror, I lasted about five minutes before I started truly gagging. Lovely. Lady A suggested gags made from stockings, panties, etc. That suits A just fine. He was OK with me experimenting with the gag there [ but he turned away as soon as she mentioned gags] "that's what we're here for. try everything." But he'd just as soon not have one in the house. And now I'm content with that. :)

I think being able to ask all the questions he wanted to and have them answered honestly in addition to seeing firsthand how to cane me was not only educational but liberating. And I know that when he buys a cane he knows what to look for and when he picks it up to use it on me, he'll have a clue what he's doing. There was more that we did and said but you get the idea. You were right, it was a freaking steam bath in that room! I was alright since I wound up wearing only stockings and panties *grins*...but poor Allan was literally wringing wet. They apparently don't spend much anything on building maintenance.

I thanked my husband profusely for my wonderful birthday present. Now I have to hope he feels up to playing. My daughter and I are going out of town on Wednesday for a couple of days [spa, here we come!] and I'm hoping he'll head down to XXXXXX to buy a cane while I'm away. I'm not saying anything.

Believe in Miracles but Don't Depend on Them

When I stopped blogging ten months ago, I had turned into a true desperate housewife. Neither my craving for Domination and submission nor my sexual yearnings were being met. I knew that Allan was simply unable to meet my needs not only physically but more importantly at that point, mentally. It wasn't fair to keep pressuring him for something he wasn't equipped to deliver, and after much agonized soul searching I came to the conclusion that I had to look outside my marriage for someone to play with. What I didn't know was whether I had the nerve to take that enormous step.



I had quietly joined FetLife a couple of months before I quit posting but I never did anything with it. FetLife for those of you who don't know, is the FaceBook of the kinky community. (and it's the brainchild of a Canadian. yay!) I decided to begin exploring the groups and see what developed.



There were many groups, although not nearly as many as now, but none seemed right for someone like me to feel at home in - yes, I was a 'newbie' but no, I wasn't in a kinky relationship. Yes, I identified as a submissive but no, I didn't have a dominant in my life. And on and on. So I joined the book club and some other basic information groups and just lurked, soaking up whatever pointers I could absorb and fending off the trolls -my god the trolls! - that shocked and horrified me whenever they sent me messages. I was so pathetically green in those early days, I actually politely replied to each of them saying basically, "thanks, but no thanks." I learned very quickly that good manners don't always work but Fet's Block button does. LOL.



One evening I discovered a group that seemed custom made for me - Kinksters With Nilla Partners. It was the first time I posted an introduction and contributed to several of the discussions. It's a comparatively small and not terribly active group but most of the members seem to be in my age range and many of us are struggling with similar issues.


One night I received a friendly email from a member of the group. It was just a hi, we're in the same location. similar age. almost the same situation. He's someone who has been there and done that. A Dom (with a sub) in a vanilla marriage. He knows exactly what I'm dealing with and I don't have to feel guilty talking about the issues and my feelings.



L. and I started chatting that evening nearly a year ago, and he's turned out to be a wonderful friend. I have been able to discuss all my worries and concerns [endlessly] about taking such a frightening step and what it would mean to my marriage. After a month of conversation, it was obvious I wasn't ready to take the leap. I was still talking my problems to death until L. being a Dom, took matters in hand. I had been bemoaning Allan's lack of understanding of my desires [for a change] and wishing that for my upcoming birthday I could say to him, 'I would like your permission and approval to find a play partner' and he would agree! Like that was ever going to happen.


What L. proposed was this;



For your birthday: tell Allan you want to be taken to a dungeon [there's a lovely one on xxxxx with reasonable rental rates] and you want him to flog you and ravage you with his mind, words, hands, mouth. That you want him to make you his. That all that you want.



And then he gave me some very practical advice regarding making a decision one way or the other. Without telling me what to do. He never tells me what to do when it comes to major decisions. He helps me see my options and then leaves it up to me. It's all very grown up. [g] He touched on the possibility that maybe an online or cyber relationship might in fact bring some peace and contentment to my life and marriage. I hadn't considered that there could be a gray area and possibly a positive influence on my relationship with my husband in all this. If I could fulfill some of the desires that torment me, will that take away some of the longing and frustrations that have played such havoc with our lives? Since I tend only to see things in black and white, this was indeed food for thought.

However, I was still dithering about my birthday request. I soon learned that a Dominant doesn't forget and doesn't let things go. After asking me a time or two if I had spoken to Allan about taking me to the dungeon for my birthday, since I had so enthusiastically agreed when he had proposed the idea, and realizing I hadn't, L asked if I needed or wanted him to Dom me into doing it. Of course I did. It felt completely right and when his list of orders followed and the first one was that I was to call him Sir...heaven.

So Romantic

Mark got engaged Wednesday night!!! The phone rang while we were preparing dinner and we answered it to the sound of two very excited, ecstatic, young people shouting in our ears. We had been in on the secret all week - ever since Mark had come over and told us he was going to ask Leah to marry him on her birthday - June 3rd. Oh, and could we take the dog for the night?

He was planning on asking Leah's father for permission to marry his daughter [how beautiful is that] and then carrying out his plan for his elaborate birthday proposal, assuming her father gave his blessing...like he was going to refuse MY son!

Leah is an elementary school teacher and she teaches at a private school far away from home. She's had a horrible year with the fifth grade class from hell. Or rather the parents from hell and has been beyond stressed for months on end. So Mark wanted to do something really special for her birthday.

I have to say that I have wonderful kids. Laura is such a fantastic sister that she leaves me speechless sometimes. She took the day off work knowing that room decorating isn't her brother's forte and went around town with him gathering all the necessary items to make the hotel room look as romantic and special as possible. When Mark thought a bouquet of flowers would be nice, Laura covered the room in Gerberas -Leah's favourites. She also got them an upgraded to a one bedroom suite and had a bunch of complimentary things thrown in for good measure. She's awesome.

When Leah arrived home from another brutal day at school, instead of finding Mark waiting for her, she found a single flower fastened to the door of their apartment along with a note telling her to get changed because her ride would be coming at 5:30. And at 5:30 a driver knocked on the door and escorted her to a limousine. He drove her to a downtown hotel where Mark was waiting for her. He gave her a dvd she'd been wanting [She's not that into You...which is really funny considering what came later] and then he brought out a list of goals they'd made earlier in the year and had been checking off as they accomplished each of them. He had bought a red sharpie and checked off all of them - including the last one on the list;

ASK LEAH TO MARRY ME

She apparently read the list twice before the words penetrated and by then Mark was down on one knee. My son is a romantic through and through. Although Leah said he did attempt to slip the ring onto the wrong finger.

They went out for dinner to celebrate at a gorgeous restaurant where they were seated in the old freight elevator. It was romantic, private and everything they wanted their special night to be.

We are thrilled to have another daughter.

Hello Again

It seems I'm not done with blogging after all. I just needed a long break to make some decisions about my life, my marriage and how I was going to carry on.



Wow, that sounds so melodramatic - I don't mean it to, but that is the reality of where I've been and what I've been doing.

Allan and I are fine. Now that I am no longer consumed with those overwhelming desires and constantly pressuring him for attention, our relationship is back on track. Of course we bicker...show me a couple married for thirty seven years that doesn't, but it doesn't mean anything and we're really content now. I am affectionate with Allan without having a hidden agenda - I'm not trying to get him turned on or 'interested' all the time and he knows he can just relax and not worry about trying to be a Dom.

I have always flatly said that I dislike labels, and that's true. But I realized I didn't truly understand the labels I was distaining and that's not right. So I researched the definitions for Top and Bottom, Dom and Sub, and Master and Slave.

Top
1. One who takes the active role in a physical scene, but not necessarily mental/emotional control

2. a term used for most that "play" in the Dom/me role. The one that controls things but only for the playtime

Now I understand why I was so frustrated with my husband. I needed a Dom and he was struggling just to top me. And of course I wasn't happy being forced into topping from the bottom. Sometimes labels can be helpful. It might have helped the situation had I been more aware of the role of 'Top' when we were struggling so much. I wouldn't have had such high, unrealistic expectations of him and he would have been far more comfortable without the mental/emotional baggage to worry about every time he attempted a scene.

For someone who loves researching as much as I do, I don't know how I messed up so badly. Sometimes I amaze myself.